'Working Harder' is Not a Solution - Becoming a 1,000-Year-Old Vampire Is

By Laura Duncan-Wilgus

By now we’ve all heard that we need to “lean in” to move forward in the workplace, but I’m trying something radical to advance my career. Instead, I chose to lean back, specifically into a coffin, arms folded menacingly yet gracefully across my chest, because I’m actually a 1,000-year-old vampire.

I cannot recommend becoming a 1,000-year-old vampire highly enough if you really want to take your career to new heights, both figuratively and literally, because you can fly now. Just think of the productivity you can achieve when you work through the night because the light of day sends you diving into the shadows, screeching and smoldering! Networking is a breeze when you have centuries of practice charming people into doing your bidding. Have you been struggling to put together the perfect work-appropriate outfits? No worries there - capes are totally in again!

I save valuable time and company money by skipping unnecessary coffee breaks (and hey, guess who isn’t contributing to our overflowing landfills with those Keurig pods in the breakroom?) because I’m actually undead, unlike the rest of my coworkers who just feel that way. Fortunately for me, a 1,000-year-old-vampire, my company offers excellent dental coverage and I’ve never experienced age discrimination. Remember to feel out the company culture to make sure you’ll be a good fit (try the supply closet!) 

Sure, I may not make it to every important meeting, but honestly Deborah, have you ever tried to leave *your* castle when it’s surrounded by hordes of angry villagers with pitchforks and torches? They make your HOA’s stance against drought-tolerant landscaping look downright reasonable. And no, I haven’t seen that new intern, why do you ask? Oh, just because she was last seen inviting me into the conference room through the window and I mentioned offhand that she was delicious? What do you mean Pam from HR would like to speak with me immediately?